waiting for the stars to align

the single life

so far, it's been a dangerous handful of months.

wow.

excited

Team Alegre + Children's Hospital of Los Angeles + 2009 Nike+ Human Race at USC = :D

(500) Days of Summer

"It's these greeting cards, Sir, these cards, these movies, these pop songs. They're responsible for all the lies, the heartache, everything! We're responsible! I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, without some strangers putting words in their mouths. The truth. A card is a nice thought but it shouldn't do the dirty work for you. You love someone, tell them yourself, in your own words. Maybe it's not love after all. Maybe there's no such thing as love...
It's all crap. We make and peddle crap. And sometimes people believe in this crap. I just can't do it anymore, Mr. Vance. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help. I quit."

RIP Uncle Carl...

Let me preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what I'm about to write. I don't know if I'll come out of this feeling a sense of comfort, but at least I'll have written out some thoughts.

My Uncle Carl was my dad's older sister's husband. Mr. & Mrs. Fetalino lived in Chicago for a good chunk of years with their daughters--Lyn and Ivy. (Supposedly my sister looked like Ivy as a baby, but more recently I look like her. They played flute and clarinet like my sister and me.) A few years ago they retired in Florida. Our families vacationed together every once in a while and they would come out to California to visit. He liked taking pictures and took photos at my debut. I remember picking them up from the airport once way back when I was still with Teo; I think the four of us had dinner and it wasn't awkward. He was a really positive person. He liked fishing. He was so dark that one time at the airport someone thought he was black. It was amazing how in love he and my auntie were.

Uncle Carl had a stroke last December. They were visiting at the time so when it happened, they took him to a hospital out in the Inland Empire. Disease was foreign to me. I mean, sure, I had an asthma attack here and there, but a visit to someone in the hospital was usually to visit someone who worked there or just had a baby... or some stranger we went to sing songs to... not for someone ill. Ate Lyn is a PT. While Uncle Carl was lying in his hospital bed, she advised him on what exercises to do. One of the perks of being in the medical field, I guess.

Last week my parents told me he had another stroke. He was taken to a nursing home. They started talking about how Ate Ivy said that if it came down to it, they'd rather that God take him than to see him as a vegetable. I thought that was so out of the blue.

My sister BBM-ed me today giving me the news.

"Did you hear from mom?"
"About?"
"Uncle Carl died today"

This is the first time I've lost a family member that I actually knew. I've been lucky, I guess. My dad's parents died before I was born or before I could remember. My mom's parents are still alive--thank God! My first sister also died before both my sister and I were born. I've been to funerals and cried, but I never really knew them...

I don't know what to take from this. I was planning to go out to DTF or Heat Ultra Lounge tonight but I decided to stay home instead. It poses the question... do I spend time with family or go live my life? Family is important but if you're not living your life, what are you doing? At dinner tonight, my parents and auntie were talking about work and prices of fruit at the grocery store. I don't want that to be what my family talks about at dinner time. I want my kids to have stories to tell and memories to relive.

Do I go out and look for that LA apartment? Or do I stay at home and make the most of my time with my family?

Uncle Carl was older than my dad, but his death just reinforces how old my parents are getting. It sucks to get old. You start hurting everywhere, losing your memory, not being able to do things for yourself. I love that my lolo and lola are still alive and living together. It's cute to see two people grow old together. It sucks for my Auntie Sally cuz she did everything with my uncle. They traveled the world together, pretty much. Now? ::sigh:: My cousins aren't married yet, either. No marriage --> no children --> no grandkids for Auntie Sally. Uncle Carl didn't get to walk either of his daughters down the aisle.

I don't want that to happen to us.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna get married as fast as I can. It's just a scary thought... No father to give you away. No grandparents to take care of your kids... I grew up far from perfect, but I had a pretty good set up as a kid. Both parents at home. Cousins, aunties, uncles, and grandparents no more than 10 minutes away.

Death. Sometimes it's natural, sometimes it's wreckless. It makes me want to stop the ignorant killings around the world. STOP THE KILLINGS.


Again "Man in the Mirror" comes to mind. What the hell am I doing with my life to make a change?

Gah. The world is so fcked up.

epiphany

so here's a revelation that's not too much of a shocker: i don't know how to be single.

boys and gentlemen

This past weekend, I was exposed to many types of guys.

There are some guys who will buy you a rose after a few minutes of conversation. There are other guys who just wanna get you drunk and grind on you on the dance floor. There are still others who make you laugh so hard it hurts and aren't after anything at all.

The search just got more challenging/interesting.

Strangers, acquaintances, long time friends... There are so many opportunities for relationships to develop.

Kat R. posted a note on FB about what she wants in a guy which made me wanna write one out, too. Here goes...

I WANT YOU
someone who can make me laugh so hard that my cheeks hurt
someone who doesn't say they're ambitious but shows it
someone who goes after what he wants, but still has consideration for others
someone who inspires me
someone who believes in me
someone who can stand the rain
someone who will karaoke with me or belt out songs in the car
someone who won't run out of creative ways to make me say, "aww! that's so sweet!"
someone who i can trust
someone who isn't afraid to put himself out there
someone who overcame his struggles and can speak to me about them instead of repressing them/exposing them only during drunken times
someone who is willing to take care of me
someone who isn't too proud to let me help him out
someone who still opens the door for me but realizes i can do it myself
someone who can talk to my lolo and lola
someone who can teach me, learn from me, and share in new experiences
someone who takes care of his body and respects mine
someone who talks to me about the little parts of his day as well as his big dreams
someone who can listen to me rant
someone who has an open mind
someone who can forgive
someone who doesn't give up and will stick by me til we're grey
someone who acknowledges the past, appreciates the present, and strives for a better future

Of course, some nice to haves would include: older, fit/toned, cute and sexy, musician, local, can give good massages, intelligent, wants to change the world, etc. hahahah.

some thoughts

Realizing something has served its purpose is not the same as "failing."

Ambition is sexy.

I'm determined to change the world somehow...

I wanna put myself in an environment that'll be conducive to my goals.

Sexism and other narrowmindedness is a major turn off.

Live life. Love life.

prince charming?

Maybe I've been listening to too much Taylor Swift or frequenting Disneyland too often, but I've been in princess mode recently.

It's weird. Usually as you grow older, you lose the romanticism and fanciful images of a prince charming and getting swept off your feet when you get hit with the reality that the guys who say that they'll treat you like a princess just end up breaking your heart.

...or is that just me?

I've gone through different outlooks on relationships in the years I've been in them: naive/mushy, cold-never-say-i-love-you, just-for-fun. For some reason, right now I'm still hoping that there is a "prince charming" out there. I'm not saying I'm looking for him at the moment, but I'd like to believe that some day I might actually find him.